It may seem like I’ve disappeared, but I’m still here… weathering a long storm of depression.
This storm started back in late April, and has come and gone in waves, in cycles within cycles.
I should be use to this by now, but I never get used to it, always hoping that the blue sky days will last, but knowing there’s always another storm coming.
The spring storms are very unpredictable.
Some years it’s like a rushing, fresh breeze of creativity and new activities. Other years it comes like a cruel north wind, and I find myself tied to the mast just to make it to the early summer break when my next big shift comes.
I’ll be 45 in two weeks, on the 18th.
I’ve had depressions and manias since I was a child (something I’ve come to understand over the last few years), and actively dealing with my mood-swings for the last eleven years.
After all this time I’ve become somewhat familiar with the cycles and seasons of my inner landscape, and the strange weather patterns of storms that ravage and shape that landscape.
But that doesn’t make it any more pleasant at Depression Ground Zero, or help my daily attempt at making something out of the dreams and visions in my head.
So for days I hide out on the sofa, watching shows on the History Channel about UFOs and Ancient Civilizations, reading news stories on my laptop from the Huffington Post, and sleeping, lots of sleeping…
When I have energy I volunteer at a Medical Marijuana collective here in Long Beach called AAC – Apothecary’s Assistants Collective and take photos for a project of mine called The MMJ Project (MMJ is short for Medical Marijuana).
I’m glad for my project and volunteer work because it gets me out of the apartment, and around people.
Of course, there’s more to it than that… but left to my own devices to avoid the pain of depression I will disappear into a world of deep thoughts, MMJ, meditations and TV and ignore the rest of the world.
So, getting me outside of myself is a good thing – especially during these storms.
There’s my update from this last month or so…
Hopefully I’ll reach more peaceful weather soon and be able to write about some interesting visions I’ve had during these storms (the visions are the only rewards sometimes for traveling through these storms) and the stories that have been weaving their way through my daily existence.
Until later, best of health,