Long Depressions and a Life of Cycles

It may seem like I’ve disappeared, but I’m still here… weathering a long storm of depression.

This storm started back in late April, and has come and gone in waves, in cycles within cycles.

I should be use to this by now, but I never get used to it, always hoping that the blue sky days will last, but knowing there’s always another storm coming.

The spring storms are very unpredictable.

Some years it’s like a rushing, fresh breeze of creativity and new activities. Other years it comes like a cruel north wind, and I find myself tied to the mast just to make it to the early summer break when my next big shift comes.

I’ll be 45 in two weeks, on the 18th.

I’ve had depressions and manias since I was a child (something I’ve come to understand over the last few years), and actively dealing with my mood-swings for the last eleven years.

After all this time I’ve become somewhat familiar with the cycles and seasons of my inner landscape, and the strange weather patterns of storms that ravage and shape that landscape.

But that doesn’t make it any more pleasant at Depression Ground Zero, or help my daily attempt at making something out of the dreams and visions in my head.

So for days I hide out on the sofa, watching shows on the History Channel about UFOs and Ancient Civilizations, reading news stories on my laptop from the Huffington Post, and sleeping, lots of sleeping…

When I have energy I volunteer at a Medical Marijuana collective here in Long Beach called AAC – Apothecary’s Assistants Collective and take photos for a project of mine called The MMJ Project (MMJ is short for Medical Marijuana).

I’m glad for my project and volunteer work because it gets me out of the apartment, and around people.

Of course, there’s more to it than that… but left to my own devices to avoid the pain of depression I will disappear into a world of deep thoughts, MMJ, meditations and TV and ignore the rest of the world.

So, getting me outside of myself is a good thing – especially during these storms.

There’s my update from this last month or so…

Hopefully I’ll reach more peaceful weather soon and be able to write about some interesting visions I’ve had during these storms (the visions are the only rewards sometimes for traveling through these storms) and the stories that have been weaving their way through my daily existence.

Until later, best of health,
Jon, onehumanbeing


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STEW: part one

Introduction

I am going to try and share a story I haven’t entirely figured out how to piece together yet, but will play out over the next few days…

I’ve watched it over and over in my head this last week… little pieces, little scenes, the same story, different play, same subject, different players….

It’s as if I’ve been watching T.V. – switching from channel to channel, but even as the program changes, the subject is always the same. Esau and Jacob, the 2008 Presidential race and the future…

It’s a story that moves and changes like a dream; like an episode of Monty Pythons Flying Circus or a History Channel documentary, loosely spliced and wandering from free association to free association like a drunken bee in a flower garden.

The Ingredients

STEW: This is a word with several meanings, from (1) cooking food by simmering or low boil to (2) fussing and fretting to (3) suffering the consequences of one’s own actions.

Beginning with the first meaning, let’s see how we go about making this particular stew.

The broth of this stew is “based on a true story” because I’ve lifted it completely from the story of Esau and Jacob in the Bible.

Notes for those following along at home: You can find this story in any standard issue Bible in the first book of the Old Testament, Genesis, ranging from chapters 24 through 27 with extra bonus reading about Esau in Hebrews, chapter 12. Hebrews is one of the books of the New Testament, near the back of the Bible.

More on the broth in a moment, but first…

The STEW Who’s Who

The main ingredients of the story consists of four people…

Esau: The older twin, the big brother, hunter, “man of the fields”, and a rough, hairy man – he’s dad’s favorite. He’s the one who should inherit it all.

He symbolizes the Republicans, the Neocons, the sold-out conservatives hanging on because of sheer loyalty, and, most importantly, “The Religious Right” with a special bonus extra credit shout out to “right wing Christians”, and Christians that call themselves “value voters”…

Esau’s nickname is “Red” and is played by John “Red” McCain.

Jacob: The younger twin. Smooth skinned and a “tent-dweller.” He’s mother’s favorite, ambitious, knows what’s at stake and knows how to get it.

He symbolizes the Democrats, but also symbolizes the future transformation of the USA.

His nickname is “Smooth” and played by Barack “Smooth” Obama.

Isaac: The Second Patriarch in a blessed line of Patriarchs. The Son of Promise that is now an old man going blind and foreseeing his own demise.

He symbolizes the good old US of A. You and me, the vast historical, mythological, cosmic and collective expression of the several centuries of this country we call home.

His nickname is “The Gipper”, and is played by former President Ronald “The Gipper” Reagan in a stunning return from the dead for one last head-shaking performance.

Rebekah: Isaac’s wife. Beautiful, rich and manipulative. She’s the mother of Isaac’s twins, but she prefers Jacob, the younger one.

She symbolizes our Constitution, our Capitalist system and it’s expression through the media (the left-wing media if it makes you feel better) in all it’s glory.

Her nickname is the “Material Girl” and is played by the original Material Girl – Madonna.

God’s Broth – or – the Blessing

Because of the mystical and symbolic nature of the rest of this story, I’m going to have to call in Professor Yarnhead to give us an understanding of the ingredients that have gone into making this broth.

Professor Yarnhead is a self-proclaimed specialist in the field of interpretive Biblical prophecy – always a recession-proof industry.

He is going to try and take us back through the grains of the sands of time…

Visuals: Still images, old-fashioned illustrations and archival clip art floats across the screen here to invoke the feeling of history and antiquity – Otherwise known as “The History Channel Collage Style.”

Professor Yarnhead begins:

It was the time of the Patriarchs, a mysterious time when Man was socially evolving from tribes to nations.

El-Shaddai – also known as God Almighty, had called a descendant from the line of Shem, one of the three sons of Noah, to come out from his family, out from his tribe and lands… and out of this one man, He, El-Shaddai, God Almighty would prepare and bring about the next step for Man.

This man, Abram, followed this call from El-Shaddai and received “The Blessing.”

When Abram received this Blessing, El-Shaddai changed his name to Abraham, which means “Father of Nations” and from this first Patriarch all the nations of the world descended and were blessed.

This Blessing is something we don’t understand anymore, nor do we know the power of El-Shaddai as Abram did…

But this was an earlier time, before many of the mysteries were forgotten, when some people still understood that the Blessing is everything.

This Blessing is not a moral prize which is won by your own virtue. The Blessing of El-Shaddai is the Grand Prize of all the possible prizes in the world, and is a prize of faith.

El-Shaddai gave the Blessing to Abraham because he believed God, and so he also became the Patriarch of western religion and faith.

Abraham had two sons, Ishmael and Isaac.

Ishmael was born first, but from Abraham’s wife’s maid Hagar (they did that kind of stuff back then), because Abraham was having trouble waiting for God to get around to doing what he promised to do – give him a son.

Thirteen years later, Sarah, Abraham’s wife got pregnant, and had the Son of Promise – Isaac.

Note: Ishmael and the results of this situation launches a whole other subject that’s too big to go into here…

It was during a traumatic camping trip when Isaac was young that he nearly got sacrificed to El-Shaddai by his father, Abraham, only to be saved by the intervention of an angel from God that pointed out a ram caught in the nearby bushes.

They sacrificed the ram instead, and made some stew… and that stew stuck with Isaac.

Years later, when Isaac had grown, Abraham decided that his son needed a wife, but not one of the local Canaanite girls…

History Flash: Canaanite Women Bad: In the Noah blessing sweepstakes (Genesis 9:25-27), Canaan was the loser, Japheth comes in second and Shem grabs the big prize blessing.

So Abraham sent his most trusted servant back to the birthplace of civilization, Mesopotamia, to find a suitable wife for Isaac from among his relatives. [See Genesis 24]

Setting: Professor Yarnhead fades out…

Well, I think I’ll let this stew simmer overnight and add some more ingredients tomorrow, stir it some more…

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2: Journey to Mesopotamia, The Twins, and more…


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